Bald-Headed Healing

                             

Hey, friends. I had my second round of gem/tax yesterday. Unfortunately, despite the pre-meds of steroids and benadryl and the half rate of IV fluid, I still had another reaction--luckily not as severe as the first. They gave me more steroids and then turned it down to quarter the rate, which was better. It’s definitely frustrating to deal with, and I was there for almost 7 hrs total, but I’m relieved we emptied that chemo bag! Since I last wrote, I’ve been hanging in there. The chemo side effects can be tough on some days (fatigue, bone pain, nausea, feeling hungover) but because it’s a cycle, I get a break which really helps. Thank you, Laura, for being here for some tough chemo days! 

Last week my hair started falling out, so we buzzed it this past Monday. The kids enjoyed helping me wash it and pull clumps out, haha. And then Liam used his beard trimmer. I was sad to think about losing my rainbow hair, but now that I’ve done it, I like it more than I thought I would! I’m really feeling the Sinead and Sigourney vibes. Hats are helpful when it’s cold, and my insurance covered a wig. Liam helped me decide to go for the brunette Dolly Parton hair. Not sure how much I’ll wear it, but it’s fun to have as an option! 

 

The bald head is the first physical appearance of this disease. No one can see the tumors, but they can see my bald head and assume I’m undergoing treatment for cancer. I feel humbled to be part of this incredibly brave community of people who have struggled through this disease, and it’s also hard to look in the mirror and be reminded of how serious things are. I think I’ve been doing a good job living moment to moment and day to day. I don’t feel depressed or unable to enjoy my life and time with my kids, Liam, friends, and family. I do, however, need to create the space to confront the sadness and uncertainty of living with Stage 4 cancer, and to let those feelings in. I understand that making it to 45, 50, or 60 are arguably good case scenarios, but then they feel like terrible scenarios at the same time. It is difficult to hold that contradiction.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about the common metaphor of “fighting cancer.” I have no problem hearing/using it at times. It makes sense to think of it as a battle I want to win. However, my therapist helpfully suggested focusing more on healing than fighting. Cancer is so strange because it is my own cells that have gone rogue. I don’t want to be at war with my own body, though at the same time I face the contradiction of my body saying: I don't want this chemo in me. My doctors, nurses, and I are saying: well too bad, we are trying to kill some cells. That is violent, but the goal is to heal. I’m working on connecting with my body in a healing way, taking care of it through diet and exercise and therapy. 

Liam has been making delicious “rainbow food” the dietician suggested. I’m going for walks every day with Ripley and doing some yoga and even tried qi gong! I looked into turkey tail mushroom supplements, but my doctor wants me to wait until chemo is done since there aren’t a lot of studies about how they might interact. That’s true for most supplements.

The next scan is March 24th, which is a high stakes scan. If the tumors are stable or shrinking, it indicates the chemo is having some effect and we’ll stick with the current regimen until June. If things are getting worse, it likely means the chemo is not working (did you know cancer cells can spit chemo out?!), and we have some big decisions to make. Could be high dose in-patient chemo. Could be surgery. Could be radiation. Or a combination. It’s hard to anticipate these big decisions, but I’m talking to my doctors now about the possible scenarios. My oncologist called my radiation oncologist a “wizard,” so I’m feeling good about my team!

I want to acknowledge and thank you all for the support, contributions, care packages, cards, etc. I haven’t been able to thank everyone individually but hope to soon! In the meantime, look at just some of the cards we've received. So much love!

It has also been so wonderful to get visits with friends, especially as the pandemic chills out a bit. I was also eligible to receive a second booster, which is a relief! 

Sending so much love to all of you. 

Molly